2003-05-16

i'm sick. haven been for days. i'm so fucking bored.

that usually spells trouble.

people here keep leaving and getting on with there lives. and i think "that's great. good things do happen. to other people. who work for it" then i start thinking how i'm not one of those people. but i keep forgetting that i actually have a goal now. i'm so used to not having one, that i've forgotten i do have one. so i can spend the summer working towards MY goal. and i'll be able to do it because i'll be drinking a lot less since that bartender is one of those hard working people for whom good things happen and he'll be gone soon. i can't wait. he's like a tumor in my brain. something deep in my subconscious just loves him and thinks he's perfect. and that same part taunts me in my sleep. i keep having dreams about him where it's obvious that he doesn't like me. there's nothing explicit about those dreams other than that, his obvious disdain. i only started to like him because i starting having dreams about him. i can't wait for him to leave. out of sight, out of mind. this is a prime example of what i mean when i say all of my problems are in my head. i constantly dream of rejection and things that are unattainable. all my life. the other night i had a dream about a donut. i took one bite, and it was the perfect donut. then of course i dropped it. i want to have interesting sex filled dreams. or not even interesting ones. i mean, damn, if i really want a donut, i can go buy one.

man, i really want a donut.

i'm supposed to go out tonight. and tomorrow night. and on sunday.

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