2003-04-20

i feel lucky to be alive. not in a "life is great" kind of way, but in a "barely escaped with my life" kind of way.

many thanks to I-95 and all the fucking assholes driving on it this weekend. thank you for not killing me with your reckless driving.

i haven't been writing much. and that's because i don't want to indulge all these stupid feelings i have. but i suppose that's what this thing's for. years later i'm still wondering why i do this.

i'm very tired. i have no right to be, but i am.

i suppose i should put down what happened to me on monday last week. i was out to dinner with some friends and we were going on and on about our "college days". one friend, a female friend, wanted my male friend to tell her about how he hooked up with my ex. my bi-curious ex. it's a funny story. whatever. that was fine. but then they decided to get him on the phone. and they did. it was horrible. i thought i'd made it clear that i didn't want them to. but i guess i wasn't explicit enough. i didn't really think they'd do it. i couldn't figure out why they would. they were drunk and thought it was hilarious. but i didn't. one by one they spoke to him. i'd left the table and come back and they were all on the phone. lying to my ex. "sure give me your email, i'll keep in touch". i didn't want to talk to him. if i'd wanted to talk to him i would have called him at some point during the last six years. but he wanted to talk to me so we spoke. i was put in the position of hearing him ask me to email him or call again. was i supposed to lie? i'd never lied to that man in my life. and i was so vague about what i've been up to and how i am. and if i'd keep in touch. i didn't want him to know about me know. not that there's much to know. over is over. it was just so insanely disrespectful. because we were close, and it was an important relationship. i don't know. i'm still upset about it. i was very angry. no one could even tell. i felt a little betrayed by it all.

i'm all out of sorts. maybe it's all this fucking fat. maybe it's the pollen or the drive. or all this relentless solitude. or the boredom. or the wasted human capital.

i DID find the BEST FUCKING PAIR OF SHOES EVER.

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