2002-08-25

i slept until noon. and that is not something i had intended to do. but i was lying in bed at 2 am and my body was so tense. i kept trying to just empty my head, foolishly thinking that it would just make me relax. it didn't work. so i got up and watched tv for a while then i gave in and took that little pink pill. that's why i slept until noon.

then i spent today watching tv and trying to figure out what's bothering me the most. trying to figure out what i can do for myself. "run away" is always at the top of the list. but never the answer according to tv and movies.

this is going to be a really difficult week. i'm going to keep thinking about him and what he's doing and why that girl's so great and i'm so useless. and uninteresting. and unattractive. and why he'd go out of his way for her and not me. those are the thoughts i have at the worst moments. usually, if i'm going to feel like crap, it has less to do with him. in a way that's progress. meanwhile i have to write back to his mother. i don't want to hear from him this week. i don't think i do. not that i will, but if he writes and tells me what he's been doing with her, it'll make me crazy.

man, this entry sucks. but then it's a reflection of my life at the moment.

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