2002-01-23

at work. just a little while longer.

i'm having a "what the fuck am I doing?" sort of moment. and it's on many levels so it's kind of disorienting.

first i can't decide what i should be doing right now, sitting at this desk. i can't decide what to do after i walk out of this building. i can't decide what to do with this miserable existence of mine. mostly what i do is sitting around thinking about someone who doesn't love me.

i see how that is unavoidable and will probably always be a part of my existence.

i was telling a friend the other day how much i wish i could have back all the time i spend as a young girl just waiting for simon lebon to show up at my house. just sitting outside. waiting. god only knows what i could have done with that time. not gotten fat. that's one thing. become an accomplished pianist instead of what i am now. or even just find something to be good at.

i'm used to picking one bad decision as a starting point and then running a nice time line of all the subsequent bad decisions that have gotten me to this point. to right now. this is the first time i've gone way back to 7th grade.

but, hey, i was only 12.

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