2002-01-08

ok.

to sum up my trip, not much happened. mostly because everyone, including the object of my desire, was sick.

the first day was spent waiting for my luggage. sound familiar? that's because that's what happened the last time i went to edinburgh. but this time, my luggage didn't catch up with me as quickly. i, like an idiot, had assumed it couldn't happen two times in a row. so, with no suitcase, i had no real excuse for taking a taxi. so i took the bus to waverly bridge and then walked. my box full of salsa and beans decided to pick that time to break, so it was a rather cumbersome walk.

i got there. he wasn't there. he family was. and they were great. super nice. sat me down, gave me tea and AND told me that he talks about me all the time. he "thinks the sun shines out of me" according to his mother. that was a surprise. she started to mother me almost immediately, but it was cool. i could tell it made her happy. eventually i just couldn't resist and agreed to lie down. i heard the boy come in and didn't rush out to see him. i don't know why. i think i was a little scared. so i waited and waited. and he came to me.

i really don't want to do the whole detailed thing that i did before, but i'll just go with it and see what happens.

i spent the afternoon sitting around, playing video games. talking. listening to music. eventually we went for a walk over to the uni and then had a beer. i came home and kept calling the airline. turns out my bag never left dc.

ok. i'm going to stop. the rest of the week was spent getting very slow starts on the day. everyone was sick. i was sleeping in. and when i wasn't i'd get up and go for a walk and get coffee and then come back. i tried skipping my period. i got it anyway.

the beginning of the week i was fine, but by the end, i was anxious. i never had any time alone with him, except for a few hours on sunday.

things between us were great. much more affectionate. and if i wanted to touch him, i did. well, not constantly, but i didn't stop myself all the time. he looked amazing. he is so beautiful.

by the middle of the week, i was pmsing and his brother was getting on my nerves. i got bored because we weren't going out. we were sitting around A LOT. so just sitting there and not talking to him was very torturous. it was like i was still pining away for him even though he was in the room with me.

i'd lie awake at night, unable to sleep. my entire body tightening into this quivering ball of anxiety. crying. convincing myself that there's no point because i'm not interesting enough or special enough for him. and wanting desparately to be able to talk to someone about how i was feeling. he is so amazing to me. and he's at this great point in his life while i'm just trying to convince myself that i am.

i used to wonder what our friendship would be like if we had any sort of day to day interaction, but i don't care about that anymore. if i saw him on a regular basis i would be the most miserable piece of shit on the planet.

the important thing here is that i went. i saw him. i did have fun. i liked his family. i met his best friend. i learned some really important things about him from his mom, although he has no idea. i found out that he does talk about me which means he thinks about me which i just sort assumed he didn't do. he liked the presents i gave him and he gave me the best presents.

i think he just wanted to have his friends around.

i feel a little closer to him and more secure in my friendship with him. but i love him all the more now and that really isn't going to get me anywhere.

my head is pounding now that i've written all this, and i really feel like crying. BUT i'm at work.

as far as he is concerned, my feelings for him will remain vacuum packed inside of me. hardening into something that is painful and pitiable. which is a shame, because for a while there, they actually made me happy. hopefully, eventually, the distance will again make the futility of it all completely moot and i can go back to enjoying the feelings i have for him.

i'll try to come back later and write about some of the things that actually happened other than inside my brain.

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