2001-08-30

hoooooooooo hum.

i've got so much to do, but i'm just sitting around bored out of my mind. i'll read a paragraph of my book. i'll watch a little tennis. i'll put some clothes in the washing machine. i'll think about cooking, but i won't actually do it. i'll check my email knowing full well i haven't gotten any messages.

this book i'm reading is just making me feel like i should have accomplished something by now. something being something. something good. something laudible. something interesting. something other than what i've done with my life so far which is nothing. which is sitting around wondering if i'll ever have sex again. or if i'll ever lose the last 10 or 15 pounds i'd be happy to lose. or if i'll ever work for reasonable adults with good management skills. or better yet if i'll ever work for myself.

can i be happy without knowing what would make me happy.

will i ever consistantly drink enough water in the course of a day?

i feel more awkward and uncomfortable now than i ever did when i was a kid. god knows i had reason to be.

i wish i had better posture. i should do yoga. maybe i should start there. breathing and standing up straight are very things that i think i would enjoy very much.

i'd like to forget almost every man i've ever associated with. hooked up with. dated. tried to date. had a crush on. been rejected by. there aren't many. i'd keep one or two. i'd like to forget the others. especially the ones that came on strong. they're always assholes, aren't they?

i'd like to feel less ridiculous.

i wanna be cool, tall, vulnerable and lucious. i've said that before. hasn't happened yet.

don't get me wrong. i don't want to be liz phair. but i do want to rock.

i want to spill my guts, but there isn't much there. nothing comprehensible. it's like it's all in some alien language i can't even decipher. so if i can't understand myself then i must be seriously fucked, huh?

hmm. well, so be it.

previous / next