2001-08-20

well, good news. i just spent an hour playing ssx. i found another shortcut in elysium alps right at the beginning. that only took 8 months. but i managed to skim three tenths of a second off my record. wow. what an underwhelming accomplishment.

anyway, i made the mistake of talking about you the other night. the wrong friends. it was right about then that i started to feel like an alien.

i think they could meet you and still be relatively dismissive.

i've been really down lately and sometimes i think that talking to you might make me feel better. but then i ask myself what i'd tell you. what could i tell you that i couldn't tell anyone else? i can't think of anything. i can't even articulate it in this diary. maybe i just need a good talking to. maybe someone just has to tell me to snap out of it. or someone to help me figure things out. because it's obvious that i'm incapable of doing that myself.

i'm not sure i'd even let you see me like this. and even when i told you very simply that i was attracted to you, we only talked about you after that. i don't know that i would have wanted to talk about myself, but you didn't seem...i'll put it down to shock and the inherent awkwardness of the situation and leave it at that.

shit. i'm not sure how to put this. you know me but not about me. do you even want to know?

damn me for being such a good listener.

i'm definitely going to have to medicate to sleep tonight.

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