2001-07-16

Another Monday, another confession...

If I hadn't known you were going out of town, I�d be freaking out right now. I was able to prepare myself. I see this as a test of this new mindset I profess to have. I don't actually know where you are and who you're with or when you'll be home. I guess I�ll find out when you get back. I can't begin to tell you how great it is to not wonder about that stuff. Of course it probably won�t last much longer. I�ll try.

I have to prepare myself for the day you write and tell me you're seeing someone.

I did speak about you to a couple of people last week. I was out with Michelle on Wednesday and I was talking about my weekend. I know I�ve already bitched a lot about that weekend, but please bear with me. I was just telling her that I only mentioned you to those girls in the context of my trip. They�re domesticated and don't want to hear about some silly crush I have on a guy that lives thousands of miles away. And to her great credit, Michelle said that anyone who doesn't really know you or me wouldn't ever understand.

Thursday night I said to Lara how I hope that one day you understand me and why getting on a plane to visit you at school was nothing compared to getting on that bus and meeting you in NY. I want you to understand that [going to NY...not going to see you] took serious emotional effort on my part. That was kind of a first step for me. I can't explain it adequately. I�ll just say that I had to let go of a lot of stuff that would normally drive me nuts.

So when I say I no longer talk about you to my friends I mean that I no longer talk about this "crush" I have on you. I can't explain to them how I feel and they don't know you. I get the feeling they don't take me seriously. That bothers me. It feeds my doubts. One of them actually thought that I was "over you". [I have a serious problem with that term. There's nothing to get over. Not yet, anyway. I didn't ask you for anything. I didn't expect anything. You didn't deny me anything. Therefore there was nothing to get over--except for feeling like an idiot.]

Lately I�ve been content with the knowledge that how I feel about you is genuine. Meaning that it has more to do with you and less to do with me. It�s actually kind of comforting and [aside from posting it on the internet for the entire world to see] I don't feel the need to share those feelings with my friends.

You know what? Sometimes I still feel like an idiot. I wonder how long I can keep this up. It�s not as if I actually think we could be together some day. So given that, all this seems really silly. I wish I�d told you everything. Then you'd know everything. and I wouldn't be putting all this bull shit here.

I just made orange sherbet. With chocolate chips. Ghirardelli chocolate chips. It�s pretty fucking good.

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