2001-07-08

well what a weekend i have had! in my car! i'm not driving anymore for the rest of this month.

i went out of town for a bridal shower. and it was fun. it was good to see my friends. i don't know when we were last in the same place. so that was cool. i felt like some weird alien invader.

i realized something yesterday. tell me if you think i'm right. when discussing relationships with each other, women do not want you to just listen. they don't want sound OBJECTIVE advice. they don't want sympathy. they want empathy. i haven't reached that higher plane of relationship existence so there were moments last night when i wanted to just scream. one girl talking about her husband and how she trys so hard to get him to express his feelings for her. another girl on the marriage precipice wondering if she's still got "it".

what would i know?

another invitation. minus the "and guest".

socially speaking, i'm second string.

people tell me i don't make the effort. maybe i'd try to find a date if i were given the choice. the motivation. an event.

i'm glad not all of my friends are like this. some have boyfriends/husbands that are my friends. i've got other friends where even if i'm alone with them it's like hanging out with a couple. i don't want to be that way. ever. god, please don't let me end up like that. this one girl can't stop for a glass of wine on the way home from work. "oh that sounds great...that's exactly the kind of thing i'd do if i were still single". what the fuck? you can't take an hour for yourself?

please don't misunderstand me. i'm not jealous. i could only be jealous of someone who has what i want. i know what i want and i don't know anyone who has it. what i hate is being made to feel insignificant. invisible. i've always felt this way around these people. for over 10 years. so i shouldn't let it bother me know. right? i just haven't been able to vent properly and i can only think of one person to whom i can do that. hopefully, i'll see her soon.

i've got all these little thoughts in my head but it's like i'm constipated.

i don't want to work tomorrow. i want to watch tennis. shit. hopefully that sack of evil i work for will leave me alone.

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