2001-07-09

Here we go again. week two of my little experiment. I should definitely write as though you'll never read any of this. That should be much more interesting than if I thought you ever would.

Haven't heard from you in a while, and I�ve gotten used to that. After I last saw you I didn't hear from you for weeks. That bothered me much more than it should have. However, thanks to good old ortho tricylcen, my anxiety levels are waaaaaaaayyyy down. Seriously--no joke. I am so happy about that. I�m not the walking talking ball of anxiety that I was a couple of months ago. And that's helped me keep things in perspective. [although my anxiety seems to manifest itself in other ways...ones that involve the purchase of ice cream makers. but I don't see how that could be a problem] SO...before now I might really be ringing my hands about the fact that I haven't heard from you. I�ve gotten used to it. I don't wonder what you're up to, and that's a big change. I just assume you're doing your thing and that I�ll hear from you eventually. Really. This is true. Right now I assume you're on vacation. I like this new non-shit giving me. I still think of you too much but not in the same way. That's the point I�m trying to make here. It's a relief and a change for the better.

I don't have the doubts I used to have. I�ve stopped questioning the thoughts I have about you. I would wonder if it's that I�m not interested in anyone else. Do I think about you because you're my "default"? Does my bored mind seek the distraction of a crush? That's been true in the past and true of men who certainly didn't deserve it. In this case...in your case...it's almost insulting. I came to the conclusion that I�m right in my estimation of your character. It�s not as if you don't possess qualities that I admire. It�s not like I�m making it up or making you up. [although it may sound like it when I talk about you to my friends. but I don't do that any more and I�ll explain more about that later] Basically I decided that I�m completely justified in being attracted you but NOT in that "I think he's the type of person I SHOULD be attracted to" kind of way [which is of course bullshit].

I feel like I�m writing too much and like next week I�ll have nothing to say. if I�m going to spill my guts maybe I should do it slowly. I�m not sure. For the first time in the life of this diary I really just want to let it all out, and with the full knowledge that it will be read by someone other than myself. In all my other journals I had a tendency to hold back for fear that someone would read it some day. hmm...interesting... [I must report that I just now talked to my mom who is cleaning out my bed room at home. She came across a story I wrote in high school about my best friend and Hugh Grant�just the type of embarrassment I seek to avoid]

Ok, back to the matter at hand�

You already know [and may have already forgotten] that I "like" you, although you don't know why. You know you're one of the coolest people I�ve ever met [I�m glad you said the same about me], but you don't know that you're one of the most amazing people I�ve ever met--believe it or not. And one day I will tell you why. I�ll tell you how I was blown away when I first met you. I'll tell you how it wasn't until I read your writing that I began to understand how exceptional--uncommon, excellent and strange--you are. I'll tell you what you've done for me, and I'll tell you what I've learned from you during the time I've known you.

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