2003-04-09

i've stopped thinking about men. it's bizarre. for the first time in years i'm not obsessed with some guy. for a while i thought "yep, there goes my sexual peak." as if i could feel it passing. but when i see a random guy on the street or the metro (random hot guy), i know that's not the case.

i'm just not thinking about sex and THAT's just as weird as not having a crush on someone.

it's all kind of sad really. sad because i loved that boy so much and now i don't. sad because he never wanted it. it's a waste. i feel like telling him he should be sad about it. but i won't. he has no clue. i still feel like he takes me for granted. i can't really tell him that either. i'll just try to demonstrate it and see if it works.

he doesn't even want to see me.

i'm tired.

i've been feeling so cruddy lately. maybe that's it. so uncomfortable in my body and so focused on that. so self-centered in a truly negative way. but i trying really hard to turn it around. as quickly as i can. but that still takes a lot of focus. good or bad.

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