2003-02-01

i should have gone to my parents this weekend. then i'd be in a nice comfortable quiet place instead of here.

and here i am out of my head with boredom.

well, ok, i'm out of my skull anyway.

i feel i'm on the verge of something bad.

self-destructive. the usual.

at least i slept a lot.

but i had three dreams about that man. that man who isn't at all interested and who i have vowed to stop thinking about. i saw him yesterday and IGNORED HIM. honest. i did. it was so easy and it worked. i realized that i'm ok as long as i don't look at him. and then i had three dreams. so basically i dreamt about him all night. and they were intense. they were draining. i think that's why i slept so long. while i was sleeping i kept thinking i'd accomplished this great feat. like i'd done something (no idea what) really amazing and good for myself. i was so full of myself. while i was having these dreams. maybe that was my subconcious gloating. saying "oh well, when you're awake you can think or believe what you like. you can think you're ok with that guy who doesn't want you. but now i'm in charge and i'm here to set you straight." they weren't particularly good dreams, come to think of it. the events of the dreams were a serious contrast to that weird feeling. it fits with my theory. i was situationally pretty helpless in all those dreams. one of them even involved water. i'm no good in the water. so why would i get these half awake feelings of superiority?

damn it, i'm fucked. i obviously hate myself more than i thought.

i feel like i'm back where i started. except fatter.

i need to get a better handle on my dreams.

ok, back to my television watching.

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