2002-08-30

why am i such a lazy sack of shit?

i keep putting things off. i have to go out of town tomorrow and i've done nothing to get ready. all i do is wallow.

i always seem to make time for that.

tonight my father suggested that they take me to some wedding in order for me to meet men. ha ha. very fucking funny, dad. i laughed it off. but it's definitely a sign of concern. super.

i keep thinking about the guy i think i'm in love with. and in the most peculiar way. itls liek our friendship only consists of those moments in time where one or the other of us is reading or writing an email. and nothing else. little discrete points. it's not a nice continuous function. like in calculus. once in a while some sort of calculus will seep into my thoughts and it scares the hell out of me. it's a sure sign that i've haven't turned out the way i thought i would. not just someone good at calculus, but someone who uses it for other things. like this totally pathetic analogy. i guess an econ degree will do that to you. anyway, i just cannot bring myself to believe that he ever thinks about me or talks about me. even though i know he talked about me to his mom. even though she said "he talks about you more than anyone" i just don't see it. i don't feel it. i think about him all the time. it's like i'm on one side of the equation and i'm a continuous function. i always want to right to him. call him. tell him something. he's on the other side and as far as i know he only thinks about me when he has to. few times a week or something. and so obviously it isn't an equation. i mean, not one that's equal. i love him. he doesn't love me.

he's all whole numbers. i'm every point from negative to positive infinity. he's all real numbers. i'm imaginary numbers.

i'm crazy.

but i'm also really sick of this love for love's sake bull shit.

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