2002-01-29

yesterday I had what was probably the worst headache of my entire life. all i could do was close my eyes. as a result, i was asleep by 9:30. that led to extra hours of really crappy dreams. which made me cranky upon awakening. add to that the fact that i'm a cow. i had a clothing crisis this morning. that made me late. i got to work and got an email. not from the boy, but from the organization to which i'd recently sent a resume. they'd filled the position internally. that's the second time i've applied there and failed to get an interview. So... That dream has died.

Then my friends got me all stressed out about plane tickets. in fact, my friend and i were after the same plane ticket at the same time. the last one with the cheap fare. she got it. i didn't. she was patronizing. it pissed me off and slowed me down.

so, things had been going not so swell. it was at this point that i thought i'd indulge in some really poor judgement and decision making. i tried on clothes during lunch (instead of eating). they, of course, did not fit. or rahter, i did not fit.

so what do i do when i'm feeling fat and depressed? i eat. i've just had a shit load of pizza. i think i might finish off that last piece fairly soon.

and even though i got the super nice email from the boy yesterday, i spent the today thinking about how he's bound to meet someone else someday and that i'm destined, doomed to pine away for him the rest of my life. because, really, men just tend to find me boring and fat and not as easy as they think i should be. so, unless i want to accept offers from assholes off the street, it looks like my love life will continue to cease to be.

i want to tell him what i think of him. i really do. i think i'm going to have to. it hurts. especially when i'm not thinking straight. like now. and especially knowing that life is short. i'm not in any hurry. but i'm tired of feeling bad about it. i keep thinking i can get a handle on it, and i can't. i can't control it. i can't contain it. it's making me sick.

so what do you think my chances are, 50/50?

i've been wallowing lately. a lot. for no good reason.

i do this to myself. for no good reason.

i feel like a coward. for good reason.

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