2001-10-26

i'm and feeling very sad. and i can't put my finger on a single reason. there are different reasons i guess. but i was driving to a friend's to help with her party tomorrow and i just started to cry. and have been fighting it for hours.

i just drove back from target. two damn nights in a row at that place. and the car in front of me had a tire blow out. it was so fucking scary. that made me cry too. i hope this is mostly hormones and that it will pass.

i'm sad for my friend who just lost his granddad. about all the unhappy people i know. i'm sad about stuff going on in the metro area. in the world. i'm still feeling alone. and frustrated. it's been building for a few days. the other day it hit me that i had to accept that i just don't feel safe here. i don't think that way all the time, but that feeling is always there. i didn't want to admit it, but i guess i had to.

i hope i'm ok by tomorrow.

tomorrow i'll write what i didn't put in here yesterday. i had a run in with a complete dick.

i was getting coffee today. and while i was filling it up with cream and sugar, my friend popped into my head and i felt this warmth on this inside and thought "i want to tell him i love him" (which i won't) but then later it kind of reminded me of when i was really depressed. and i'd be walking along. i'd take a breath, any old breath nothing special, but at the same time i'd feel really empty inside and by the time i exhaled this amazing wave of sadness would come over me. that doesn't happen anymore. what happens now is that i think of this person and i feel certain. i'm not saying he's filled some void in my life because he hasn't. i'm just saying it's a really nice change.

now i'm crying again. christ, get a grip.

good news: fixed my dvd problem. i shall now start watching pride and prejudice and feel better.

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