2001-09-17

i just sent you a message. i was honest in that i told you i was being disingenuous. what a fucking cop out. you've been nothing but great to me the last week and i appreciate it so much. i'm so grateful. and i told you that and you were like "t'wernt nuthin'"

but it is something. hearing from you makes me feel better. i hate being alone right now. i've been spending time with my friends and all but i don't have an inexhaustible and readily available source of hugs. i could use that right now.

when i first met you, i was completely blown away. and i could see immediately how special you are. i knew right away that there couldn't be another person like you on the face of the planet. but when i read some of your writing i got a glimpse into your brain that i hadn't had before. i remember finishing it and thinking "that's it. he's it. he's the one." for a while i was dead certain. and then my anxiety disorder flared up and i didn't know what i was thinking. but now i walk around with this feeling inside me like it's finally settled. i don't know what will happen or if anything will happen--most likely not. but that doesn't take this feeling away. this certain feeling that no matter what happens to me or you or our frienship, i know there is a person out there whom i love better than anyone. and my only hope is that one day i'll be able to share that with you. and hopefully in a way that makes more sense than what i've been writing here.

it won't be happening anytime soon.

i couldn't go to work today. i just felt like i'd be expected to go back to business as usual and i absolutely cannot do that. not yet. i've got over a month of sick leave. i'm sick. fuck it. i'm taking it. i wish everyone had this luxury.

daily show, gotta run...

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