Monday, Aug. 27, 2001

you fucked with me last week. ok. not really. ok. REALLY.

I did have a nice calm rational entry planned out, but I'm not feeling calm. I'm barely holding on to rational. Sometimes I wish more than anything that I could say all this stuff to you. I don't want sound like there's any drama in this situation. There isn't. I certainly don't want to create any.

Last week you sent me these messages which bordered on flirtatious. But you're not flirtatious, right? So I just read the words and not anything between them. And even then, they were just funny and nice. Nicer than usual.

HOWEVER, if some girl, i.e. ME, says to you "I really like you. I'm really attracted to you" and you express nothing other than shock, i.e. NO INTEREST, THEN....then...well...what the fuck have you done with that little tidbit of information?? You can't have forgotten. You can't know for sure if I've stopped thinking that way.

So. Then. Don't say nice things to me. Don't say anything nice at all. Even if you're just being playful. Even if you say it out of friendship. It sucks. For me. I'm glad you think of me. If you express any regard for me I do appreciate it. But it makes things harder. It's so frustrating.

Be a dick so that I can like you less. But be a dick the normal way. Not like this. Don't be extra super duper nice knowing I've got this crush type thing.

The thing is, I know you have no idea. I know none of this occurs to you. It should though.

on to other business:

i hate living in this apartment. i hate my job. i'm exhausted. just sitting here is sapping all my strength.

"the president" is a dick. if there's any global discussion DISCUSSION on race going on shouldn't the US take part as much as possible? Or is it just not that important? Or is it so important that we stick up for a country that utilizes state-sanctioned assasination? Uh, by the way...that's totally illegal.

Every day what little faith I have left in humankind just gets whiddled away. It's so sad.

this week is going to get so much worse before it gets better. IF it gets better.

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