2001-07-10

i just watched the stupid real world. jesus.

i'm trying to remember if i thought i knew everything when i was that age. i don't think i did.

i'm black, but you know what? i will never be black enough for some people and i do not give a shit. their problem. NOT mine.

i've calmed down regarding my weekend. the whole experience left me disoriented. i'm me. and that makes sense right? i'm just a person. isn't that the natural state to be in? yourself? but i was around this person constantly defining herself as attached to and part of another--which is not something i'm opposed to. what i'm opposed to is being treated like i'm not a complete person. ok. it was just one person doing it. just the one, but like i said, she would just suck everyone else into it. me and my piddly little insignificant feelings and concerns don't matter.

i talked this other girl yesterday who is giving me shit for my birthday plans. "why would you want to do something alone? nag nag nag..." and i said "why shouldn't i be able to do something for myself?" (i'm thinking of london) and she was like "you should let us come with you" and i said "why should you have to spend the money for that?" I also said that other people would not allow me the flexibility i want.

my plans for myself involve improving the quality of the time i spend by myself. that's most of my time! i can't seem to make people understand that. why shouldn't i prepare myself for life alone instead of constantly worrying that i'll never meet someone?

it just hit me what my problem is. hanging around with all those women just fucks a person up. all those fucking hormones. UGH.

ok. i'm done.

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