2001-07-02

I thought I�d do a little experimenting with this diary. I�m thinking that once a week or two weeks or whatever, I�d write an entry with you in mind as my audience. And totally knowing that you�ll never read any of this. I think about you too much as it is. (If you were to read this I'd want you to understand that I wouldn't do this for every stupid crush I have. You're a special case.) I don�t know, will structure help? Maybe. Maybe not. But it might help me clear my head. And that�s what I really need. Any semi regular reader of this diary knows that I seek a less cluttered mind, hence the dumping ground I call my diaryland diary.

So as of now, I write to you every Monday.

Last week you wrote me that you might send me more of your work. Perhaps you don�t realize that most of what I find attractive about you is between your ears. (I�m sure you don�t realize it. It�s not like we discussed what it is that I like about you.)

Oh, I forgot to mention the two massive pints of dos equis I just had. Hold on while I get some alka-seltzer�

ah�

I had dinner with a friend. It was so good. Excellent. And there was no cheese involved. That�s what�s so extraordinary about Mexicali, you can have amazing mexican food without tons of cheese. Not that there�s anything wrong with cheese. Far from it.

I saw a book today that I thought you might find interesting. It�s called �How Race is Lived in America� and it�s based on a series of articles from the NY Times. I read all of the articles as they came out. It�s the most comprehensive look at race in this country I�ve ever seen. It just lays out how complicated everything is and, for me, just how fucked we all are and how hopeless the situation is. I can think of a lot of people I�d buy it for. There aren�t too many people with whom I have protracted discussions about race on a regular basis. I can only think of about three. You�re one of them, although it's not like we have regular conversations.

At dinner we were talking about some people and how unreasonable and unfair they can be in their dealings with the opposite sex. And whenever we do that I have to ask myself why I can't get a date. I'm so reasonable. I don't expect a man to read my mind and know what I'm thinking. Why doesn't that seem to get me anywhere? Explain that to me. Are men dysfunctional that way? Do they just go after ridiculously beautiful but overly complicated women who love drama? Not that I'm a dog. I'm not. I am a lucious piece of brown sugar. But I'm so rational and reasonable and low maintenance. Isn't that a good thing? I don't get it. Do men look for level headed women? Is that a trait they appreciate in friends and don't expect from girlfriends?

Will my level-headedness and my even keel win you over?

Of course not. I'm crazy. (but I don't let it show)

I didn't talk about you today. That's actually a good thing.

I'm removing the blur cd and turning on the television. New rule: No more diary writing with the tv on. buy-bye

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