2001-05-02

I woke up Tuesday because the sun was shining so brightly. It was saying �get up you lazy fuck, it�s going to be great day!�

We went to St. Andrews that day, which was someplace I�d wanted to go. I didn�t even have to ask. And as long as Ben was voluntarily spending time with me I figured he wasn�t completely sick of me yet.

The bus ride was longer than we thought it would be, but I didn�t mind. A chance to shoot the shit for a couple of hours. And a chance to see some beautiful countryside. And to stare at some green stuff. Some sheep. Some highland cows! Some of what I saw was pretty scary. The Americanization of the UK. Strip malls, Drive-thrus�sprawl. But don�t blame the US, blame the local planners. Nobody made them build multi-plexes and what not. But on the whole, on that one day, I experienced everything I love about Scotland. It�s truly magical. Nah�.just kidding!

We got to St. Andrews and headed for the beach. The thing about that is we had to walk right across the links to get to it. That was weird. No one seemed to care. Ben got annoyed with me cause I wouldn�t let him go while people were teeing off. I think I surprised him with my air of authority and propriety. From his perspective it was a question of whether or not we�d get hit by a ball. He didn�t think so, so he wanted to keep going. From my perspective it was a matter of respect and how I was raised�as a golfer. [When I was a kid, I thought this guy had cheated during our round. To this day, I dislike him and his entire family. Ok, I hate his sister �cause she�s a racist.]

Basically we spent two hours on the beach. I got to demonstrate one thing that I am actually good at. I did a pretty good job of exhibiting lots of patience while untangling some string. Well, special string. I'm good with knot type things. Honest.

Ben flew his kite and I listened to Liz Phair for courage. The kite itself is pretty impressive. About three meters long. And very fast. Apparently, on a good day, you get dragged along behind it. I did try it a few times. I was told to avoid one thing. Something that might result in completely destroying the kite. Making it plunge head first into the ground. Of course, I kept doing it. By the third time, I sort of got the hang of it, but like a complete moron the string got wrapped around my finger and hurt like hell. I didn�t see the point in continuing to embarrass myself. It was actually very complicated and strenuous. But fun. I think if I�d had a smaller one, I might have been ok.

So Ben took over again and I spent some time enjoying the beach and the sun and the view. For a second I considered sitting him down on the sand and telling him, but then I realized how truly, horrifically idiotic that would be.

There was some confusion about the bus home. Or was there? I don�t know. We didn�t get the bus we wanted and ended up sitting by the road for quite a while. But it wasn�t bad because like I said, it was a beautiful day. We walked into town to the station and hopped the next bus back. Another couple of hours, but it was so beautiful. Just amazing. Do people who see that everyday stop to appreciate it? I hope so.

When we got back we had dinner at Gina�s. She was talking about a guy she knows and how he hates his flatmates. How they�re �all geeks and pushing��

�Pushing what?? Pushing 30?!?�, I asked as I banged my cup of tea on the table. Yes, pushing 30 as all uninteresting people do. I didn�t bother me. I can�t help being 29. And I can�t help it if people attribute aspects of my personality to my age, especially if they didn�t know me 9 or 10 or 20 years ago. Believe it or not, some people actually think I�m less dour. Some people.

After that, we walked Gina to meet a friend. I got a mocha because I�d forgotten to get coffee that day. Can you imagine?? I forgot!! Then it was on to the theater for a movie.

What movie? Well, it was up to me. For some reason ( just to be nice, I guess) Ben wasn�t going to outright refuse to see Bridget Jones and I wasn�t about to force him. I�m not stupid. For one thing, I�m not about to make someone do something they don�t want to do and second I didn�t want to see a movie like that with him. I can�t explain it. Either it�s obvious or it isn�t. So we saw the Tailor of Panama, which I loved. It was hilarious. I highly recommend it. It�s always great going into a film knowing nothing about it and coming away more than satisfied.

And I loved that theater. Huge comfy seats, perfect for big American asses such as my own. Nice big screen. A perfect ending to a perfect day. Or was it?

I decided during the movie that I would just tell him. Of course, I�d done that a few times over the past days. Made up my mind. Convinced myself that I had to do it. Let what I considered to be a decent opportunity slip by and then feel like a complete coward afterward. No more. I really felt that the decision had finally been made. I�d do it on the street before we went upstairs. Mind made up. Done deal.

Whatever. Didn�t happen. He did notice me biting the inside of my mouth and told me to stop. If I�m biting the inside of my mouth then I have a serious problem. It�s something associated with intense dread and apprehension.

So I got upstairs and was disgusted with myself�again. No, I wasn�t being too hard on myself. My guts were making a horrible twisting sound and my hands were shaking. My head was killing me. I think Ben may have come in at that point and walked out again. I�m not sure. Maybe not. But in any case he came back. And I said �I think I should tell you what my problem is�. And I told him.

And I felt enormous relief. And managed to forget about it for 30 seconds after he left and I folded some clothes and went through my stuff. Then Lily came upstairs and started puking her guts out. Ben came back and said �let�s get a drink�.

You want details, don�t you? I can�t give you any. Anything we talked about after that doesn�t belong in here. And even if I tried, it wouldn�t be accurate. Think what you like.

But 95% of the time I am dead certain I did the right thing, having never done it before. I will admit to losing a little steam the last two days. I think my energy level up to that point was partly attributable to my anxiety. And the next day my mind kind of struggled to find something new to do. Something other than feeling like a dork, which is the easy thing to do. It�s always easier to feel bad. I had my moments. Awkward ones. Unavoidable. But I�m 29, damn it. I know how to handle myself.

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