2001-04-29

ok. on to the next day. I�m actually feeling kind of wonky at the moment. I suppose that could affect how this next entry goes.

Friday

We walked around a bit looking for toner. I�m short. He�s tall. It took me days to develop an adequate stride. So I spent much of Friday morning trying to keep up and not get hit by cars. I didn�t know which direction to look. I couldn�t help it. Shop after shop. The Mac guy was very nice and very helpful. Most people seemed clueless. Eventually we found a place and the girl there was totally on the ball. It was so easy. Just as it should be.

Dynamic Earth. I don�t know what they thought they were doing when they thought this one up. A comprehensive portrait of life on earth and how it came to be? Or a huge waste of space? I�m actually going to devote at least one MB on my web site to how shitty this place is and exactly why one shouldn�t go there. I shall also offer a list of alternatives. You could buy a National Geographic and some laxatives and have a more dynamic and informative experience. This place wasn�t the least bit educational and not even that well designed.

First, you go into a time machine. Ok, an elevator. Then you travel back in time to the big bang which is just a bunch of pictures from the hubble space telescope. Next you look at lava flows while the floor shakes. Then you go into a sterile room and look at pictures of glaciers. And there ends the guided tour. It was just sad. Sad and expensive. Ben was pretty disgusted. He even asked for our money back. I won�t get into it too much more. I�ll save it for the site.

At least lunch was good. I mean, how can you fuck up a baked potato?

I will say that the weather was excellent. Gorgeous.

Next came a philosophy lecture. I kept thinking of this guy I knew in college whose girlfriend would sit in micro with him. Just sit there. I guess in the back of my mind I was hoping that people wouldn�t look at me and think �what the fuck is she doing here?� or �who�s that old lady?�.

The lecturer was from Oxford (or was it Cambridge?). Ooooh�.I was so not impressed. I followed along. I muttered a few comments under my breath. Right in the middle of it I took off my glasses. If you�re reading this and you know me, understand this: if I take off my specs, I�m checking out. It means I want to see a hazy fuzzy blurry world without being able to focus on anything. Visually, mentally whatever. I�d say I spent at least 15 minutes like that. Then I started listening again. And getting annoyed with Mr. Philosophy. At least he had the good sense to let everyone out early.

We went back to Ben�s flat. Sat around. I made some calls. Left a message for Lee. Felt amazingly bored and went for a walk around the Meadows. Huge park. Very pretty. People were walking, playing football, riding bikes, running, walking dogs, just lounging. I found a nice bench and spent an hour in the sun reading a crappy book and listening to the Beastie Boys. And not thinking. That�s important. No introspection, which is what I always want to avoid. I shared a bench with a nice girl reading Harry Potter.

Later I was sitting in the kitchen when Chris told me someone had called for me. It was pretty funny �cause Chris couldn�t understand a word Lee was saying. And Lee was insisting that someone there had called for him. Then the phone rang and it was Lee. Jesus, it was so good to hear his voice. I told him I was supposed to see Susan over the weekend and that I�d call him Sunday, so I did. I spoke to Susan after that and we arranged to meet at Queen Street Station Saturday at 11.

As soon as I got off the phone, I walked back into the sitting room. The first thing out of Ben�s mouth was something about how since he has a friend who�s 29 he should probably start acting more grown up. That hurt. Honestly. I felt pain when I heard that. And I told him that I still ask myself all the time when I�m going to grow up. I didn�t explain myself very well. (when do I ever?) But aren�t I always lamenting the fact that I don�t have my shit together?

We didn�t do anything Friday night He wasn�t feeling well. There was a party going on in the kitchen. Lots of noise. Still, I had a good time sitting around and talking. I got to read part of his novel and was really impressed. I can�t wait to read the whole thing one day. I enjoyed our conversation that evening. I won�t go into what it was about. But it was informative. And it helped me understand some things about him.

Up until Friday evening I felt like I was doing really well. I thought �ok, I can handle this. This is nothing.� But sitting there talking�well, you know how it is. By the time I got to bed, I was back to my normal anxious self. And then I experienced what I was afraid would happen. I kept thinking �I�ve got to tell him� and I kept thinking about how I might do it. Feeling almost sick about it. Then his flatmates came in. So�between my �problem� as I shall now call it , hearing his flatmates come in, hearing some sex (GROSS) AND being jet-lagged, I got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I knew that would happen.

My problem. Mine and mine alone. Real or imagined? Was it that I feel strongly for someone or that I have an anxiety problem? Both? Why were my guts all twisted up when I was supposed to be relaxed and having a good time? What do I do about it?

previous / next