2002-03-11

i had a work related nightmare. so i didn't go to work today. i took it as a sign. i know that sounds horrible, but it's not like i'd be working if i were there.

i just left me feeling like something bad would happen if i went. so here i am.

and fine, i'm still not feeling all that hot in general. and sure, this sense of self-loathing i'm cultivating isn't good for me. my mental condition makes it so easy for me to be stupid and slovenly and lazy and bored and unhappy. i'm just goin' with the flow.

it's been almost a year since i said to the boy "i like you, i'm attracted to you". i've got the urge to repleat that humiliation, just to make sure he knows i still feel that way. just a reminder. i won't do it. but i feel anxious about it. and i wish i could talk to someone about it. someone who knows him. someone who couuld give me some insight. someone who could tell me stop or go. to proceed or to give up and crawl into a hole and forget about ever being happy.

i keep thinking about that day. because it was a fun day.

the dogwood outside my window is starting to bloom. actual little white flowers. first, lots of road kill and dead bugs on my windshield, now this. spring.

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