2002-02-24

i hate my job. that's not news. but what i really hate is how hating my job is affecting me as a person. things shouldn't be this way. i certainly shouldn't.

sunday. typical dreadful sunday.

called the boy yesterday. i just couldn't resist the urge. and i kept thinking that it would make me feel better in general, but it didn't. hormones, you know. still, it was good to talk to him. it adds this bit of normalcy. i think it's good. and during the conversation i'm not thinking stupid things. that reminds me that we're friends and that he's not just this object of adoration. frustration. but then when i get off the phone and i'm not on a cloud it makes me doubt what i feel for him. i really hate that.

i'm not a happy person. that's the truth. i can feel ok, and go about my business and have fun and everything, but i'm unhappy. and sometimes i just can't ignore it. like now. it's one thing or another or loads of things. and as much as i feel that being with this amazing guy would make me happy, i don't think it'll happen until i get myself sorted out. and i don't know how to do that.

and i'm tired of this. i'm so tired of it. not knowing. i should know. and i wanted to say all this to him yesterday, but i tend to keep my craziness from him. unless it's just too hard. i'm afraid he'd be disappointed in me. even though i know he's not judgemental at all. i guess that i'm just a coward.

well, that said, i'm going to have some tea. on top of all the beer i just had. although it's not the beer talkin' trust me.

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