2001-06-20

this morning was bad. very bad. i hate feeling like i can't control my feelings. a couple of things happened that put me over the edge. which edge? the high precipice over the vast gorge called over emotional female. am I needlessly complicated? I hope not. If I am, I try very hard not to let it show.

this afternoon was ok. i got a lot done.

this evening i ate a catfish sandwich, fries AND onions rings. two TWO pints of guinness. and a scoop of chocolate mint oreo icecream in a waffle cone. But i did have to walk from ballston to clarendon to get the icecream, then i had to walk home in the pooring rain.

i had to be social. it was not effortless.

what a day indeed.

i think i need a break from "trying to put things in perspective". it's not getting me anywhere. maybe i should just accept that i'm never going to the answer to the ultimate question of life the universe and everything. TOTAL PERSPECTIVE VORTEX, I NEED YOU!!!

I've got to feeling like I'm right about him to thinking: "ok, I understand why I think I'm right about him, but am I?" It's the most bizarre form of second guessing. But I go back and forth. So the question remains. Am I right or am I wrong? I may never know. There's definitely validation. That's why this is so hard. Validation but no reciprocation. I'm tired of thinking about it. Ok, that's not true.

This is morbid self examination. This is getting me nowhere. I'm running 'round in circles. It's times like this when I question having this diary. I know I shouldn't. But my mind is so muddled.

Oh, wait. I did have two pints, didn't I?

ah, shit. I've got the hiccups.

i did peek in iota.

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