2001-06-12

first of all, i haven't been sleeping well. sleeping but not well. i know, i know. how can i fuck that up? well, i do.

so this morning i have this dream that totally fucked me over. i was with this guy that i like. there's a lot to the dream but i'll just get to the part where he walks into the room bearing condoms. he wanted sex. i looked at him like he was high. he just looked at me like "what, you don't want me? of course you do". And i looked around and thought "this isn't right" so i woke up. i woke myself up. why? because i knew it would never happen for real? because i knew my subconscious was mocking me? maybe. probably. but then after i woke up i didn't understand what had just happened and tried really hard to get back to sleep. and it worked. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Same dream. same place. same things going on. it was bizarre. i was determined to pick up where i'd left off and i did. of course nothing happened in the dream. part of what freaked me out in the first part was that it really seemed to be headed toward sex. i never dream about sex. it's not fair but it's true. shit. i know this doesn't make sense, but the weirdness of it all completely ruined my day. and there were parts in my dream where i kept fidgetting with my stuff. THAT is very close to reality. messing with my luggage. folding clothes compulsively. it relates to a past entry. ok, that tuesday in edinburgh.

let me try to sum up. my dreams mock me. should i search for meaning? i think it means i'm kidding myself. just when i think i have my feelings for this person totally in perspective my brain beats the shit out of me. and it's not sex. it's not about that. it's about wanting to be close to someone. i'm not saying i was over him and now i'm not. i'm saying that i now doubt the peace of mind i thought i had.

i'd like to meet someone new if only for the novelty of a new fixation-for lack of a better term.

i was so exhausted today. i could barely stand on the metro. work kept pissing me off. my boss keeps sending work my way like she's busy and i'm not. that is complete bull shit. i'm tired of it. the stuff that went through my head in a meeting today was just frightening. someone would say something and i'd think "you're so full of shit you big fat cocksucking asshole" i mean stuff from the exorcist or something. my boss was droning on and on about most uninteresting things and she turns to me "what i need you for is..." and i said "that seems kind of simple" as in "why can't you do it?". she says she's busy. i said i was busy. i can't take it. i don't give a shit. i'm one big constipated mass of apathy.

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